Kemba's Big Night: 2011 Draft Live Blog

Well, it's been about half a year since the last post so allow me to start with a little housekeeping:

1 - I forgot to renew the www.uconn77duke74.com domain name, so now you have to type in www.uconn77duke74.blogspot.com to get here. Some guy bought it and is trying to sell it back to me. His name is Bill West. Bill, if you're reading this, I am not paying you. No one reads it and I refuse to pay for something which, by never producing the t-shirts (lucrative) and never trying to make mainstream, has come to embody my laziness.

2 - the Twitter stream on the side fails to show those are things I have re-tweeted. Someone else wrote those things and they made me laugh so I "re-tweeted" them. This is a general practice, mind you, and certainly not some kind of "tweet plagiarism."

I think that's it...enough about me, time for mildly racist jokes!

6:45 - There are only a few things I want from this draft. One, I would like Kemba to go no later than Sacramento, although one can imagine the chemistry between him and Tyreke Evans could be the worst thing since Kenny Anderson and anyone he played with.

Two, I would like Jimmer to NOT go to the Utah Jazz. The riots will be awesome. Every packed bar viewing party with their 3.2% alcohol beers will look like those Cleveland bars when LeBron made The Decision. I hope they pass on Jimmer at 12 in favor of some giant black dude (i'm looking at you, Kenneth Faried) who will spend the next handful of years savaging their Mormon women like Karl Malone did and then wearing Skechkers Shape Ups in retirement to pay his alimony.

7:15 - only 15 mins to go. I'm about to make dinner by reheating my Chinese food from last night. Funny tangent about that Chinese food: I played golf last night and had a decent shrimp and scallop picatta at MCC (it was too watery, was going to include mushrooms but they were thankfully out, had little lemon, too much white wine, little to no parsley OR capers, etc etc - this isn't the place to be Sam Sifton...). Regardless, it was filling.

I also got to MCC at about 2pm and left around 9:30pm. According to my phone, I ordered said Chinese food at 9:50something. I do not remember ordering or receiving it. I do remember that I woke up around 12:30am and looked to my left to see a still stapled together bag of Chinese food that I had presumably ordered.

I opened the bag, ate the shrimp/egg? roll and the wonton soup and put the rest of it in the fridge. I have no idea what I ordered, so I am now going to open my container and see what I lucked/fucked myself in to....

It's Chicken and Broccoli! WOOOOOOO! I ate General Tso's from this place on Saturday and it sucked. Please I did not repeat that mistake or get any other fried chicken products.

7:29 - LAST THOUGHT: Everyone is looking for Kemba to slide, but I think he pulls a Ben Gordon and goes three to Utah.

7:33 - David Stern to the podium and the usual heckling.

7:34 - Stern deadpanned, "It's a good crowd." Is he taking lessons from Colin Quinn? !?! I love Stern, except when the work stoppage begins shortly...

7:35 - Cleveland is on the clock, and the throw is to Stewart Scott's (joke redacted for cancer sympathy reasons) and his merry band of analysts. I saw the idea today on Twitter to drink whenever Jay Bilas says upside.

7:36 - The pick is in. Let's do this thing, Bilas!

7:37 - Kyrie Irving goes 1. I almost forgot about my favorite NBA Draft game: "What is the over/under for when the first player who has the same last name as his mother (and isn't from a foreign country, don't ruin this for me Mrs. Kanter...) gets drafted."

7:42 - Only a Kyrie Irving dad interview. So rare for a father to be in the picture that I have to assume the mother is either dead or has the last name Irving as well. There have been years when this game has lasted through the lottery. Without a mother interview, I have to assume the game is still alive. Sorry, Irving family.

7:45 - The Dedrick Irving interview felt like what Poppa Shuttlesworth would have said if HE GOT GAME had film of the draft.

7:46 - Derrick Williams can't wait to get high and underachieve with his mentor Michael Beasley!

7:47 - Bilas just said "...wingspan, sooo Bottoms Up, everybody." I fucking love Jay Bilas. Follow him at @JayBilas - great Bill Raftery jokes

7:51 - I like Kanter, it's hard to hate on him. I heard from Chad Ford, not personally but via a podcast with Bill Simmons), that Kanter's parents are like molecular biologists or curing AIDS or something like that. He will be good and dedicated at getting better every year. I really like him.

7:53 - Fraschilla just pointed out all kinds of stuff about Kanter, including his body fat percentage. Listen Fran, I know you are the foreign player expert, but you don't need to get so gay about it.

7:55 - And Kanter gets booed by fans after saying he supports Kentucky and seeing the pan to Calipari!

7:57 - P.S. This is not good for Kemba...

7:59 - Really, a Canadian? I mean, really?

8:01 - You know it's a weak draft when a guy who says "I'm not coming here for at least one more year" goes 5

8:05 - After interviewing three consecutive foreign born players, Mark Jones loses it and insults the English of Jonas Valaciousheehnesshensehs

8:07 - Supposedly he is really athletic for a white foreigner. Gotta like that for the Wiz.

8:09 - Mark Jones has another foreigner! Jonesy is heated.

8:10 - Oh, what do you know...Corey Maggette is getting traded again.

8:12 - Hey, NBA teams, BUY AMERICAN! Five straight foreigners.

8:20 - And it gets worse for Kemba....

8:22 - And it gets better for Kemba!!! Off to join MJ and the Bobcats. The chip on his shoulder will stay with him forever. Look for a great career outta this guy, got better ever yr at UCONN. I like Silas as a coach for him - not a great coach but a great guy I think.

8:25 - Andrea Walker is our winner of the "First Player Who Is Drafted and Has The Same Last Name as His Mother." I remember when my mother and I used to play this game in the mid 90's and it used to stretch into the 20's. America is obviously in a much better place now. Family First!

8:29 - And with the 10th pick the Milwaukee Bucks select Jimmer Fradette to replace Joe Alexander as their Great White Disappointment. Note: I ignored the Bucks traded this pick to the Kings because I wanted to make the Joe Alexander joke. I believe it was worth it.

8:39 - Knight goes 8, Kemba goes 9. Just don't understand why the Cavs didn't take Williams, or even Kanter, at 1 and waited for Kemba or Knight or at 4 instead of a bum who is tied in to playing in Europe for at least one more year. But, I guess that's why they are Cleveland. That City = Fail.

8:46 - I love Marc Jackson and will miss him announcing but I think he will be the Ozzie Guillen of the NBA so I'm psyched.

8:47 - Suns take Marquief Morris at 13. At this point anyone who doesn't take Kenneth Faried is an idiot. Kid is a beast.

8:56 - The Pacers are on the clock at 15 - Larry Bird wants to know, 'who is the best available white talent!?!?'

8:59 - Mrs. Morris sets the record for consecutive FPWIDAHTSLNAHM as her twin sons goes 13/14 to round out the lottery.

9:08 - How will the Knicks fuck this one up? I gotta think Faried is PERFECT for them...

9:10 - Spike Lee getting more airtime in the last 5 minutes than his movies have in the last 5 years.

9:11 - WHO? hahaha they picked a guy who isn't even in the building!!! bahahah. people said he was rising the last few days so i guess i get it but i gotta think this is just Walsh telling Dolan to go fuck himself.

9:13 - screw it, im done.