Deleted Scenes from ESPN/Calpari Interview

John Calpari visited ESPN in the last couple of days to do an interview about how he always gets great recruits and then fails to win National Championships. Or something like that...

Anyway, I was unable to embed the video of the interview, so I decided to provide you with the transcript:

Anchor: University of Kentucky Coach John Calipari, welcome to SportsCenter.

Calipari: Thanks. Where is Hannah Storm? I wore extra gel in my hair to impress her.

Anchor: Did you also fly in on that UK jet to impress her?

Calipari: No, I fly in that to impress EVERYONE. Especially recruits.

Anchor: That's a nice segway, Coach. Let's talk about your recruits. Once again you have the top recruiting class and possibly the top recruit in the country. How do you do it year in and year out?

Calipari: Well, you know, my methods have changed over the years. Back in the day, Marcus Camby was my marquee recruit and I made sure Marcus had boosters giving him 40k, cars, prostitutes...whatever it took.

People think this was so difficult for Marcus, but I was the one who truly suffered. You see, because I overpaid Marcus for so long and it worked so well, once I went to the NBA I thought I had to continue overpaying players like Antoine Walker, Kenny Anderson, and other guys who don't have money left anymore.

Anchor: Were you able to learn from your mistakes with Marcus when you returned to college basketball at Memphis?

Calipari: Absolutely. Instead of paying players, I started using new recruiting methods. For example, I didn't pay DaJuan Wagner to play at Memphis, but a few days after DaJuan signed I hired his father to be the Coordinator or Basketball Operations.

Anchor: That's right...didn't some people have a problem with that?

Calipari: The people who had the biggest problem with it were those at Memphis. I mean, can you imagine working your ass off to advance within the Memphis Athletic Department, probably getting a Master's degree, and then this guy comes in? Hahahaha it was so funny to see the faces of the people Milt Wagner leapfrogged....

Anchor: Isn't it true that Milt Wagner did not even have a college degree when you hired him in 2001?

Calipari: That is true, but he took classes and completed his degree in 2004. I look at it this way - I don't care if any of my players get an education so why should I care if my Coordinator of Basketball Operations doesn't have one? That would be hypocritical.

Milt was a role model for the kids. With Milt around the program the kids had a father figure where they could look at him and say, 'You know what, I may not be good enough to play pro ball, but if my son is really good then perhaps I can whore him out in exchange for stable employment.'

Anchor: You make a good point, Coach. By the way, what happened to DaJuan Wagner? I believe he was the #1 recruit that year.

Calipari: He got HIV/AIDS

Anchor: Wow. Um, any other examples?

Calipari: Of course! How long do you have? Next there was Tyreke Evans. Tyreke was a huge prospect and clearly would be a "one and done" player. As such, he needed to stay in shape, so I hired his childhood trainer as one of my administrative assistants.

Anchor: I'm confused. Why would you hire the trainer to be an administrative assistant and not as a trainer?

Calipari: Don't ask stupid questions, not Scott Van Pelt. I love that guy. Anyways, next was Derrick Rose. Derrick was not so, how do you say, smart. I will give him credit though, he was smart enough to know he wouldn't pass the SAT and had someone else take it for him. The great thing about academic fraud is it takes a long time to investigate, so Derrick was able to play for our Final Four team and help us to 38 wins. Overall, it was a great year. Derrick's brother even got to travel with the team all season on that fancy jet we talked about earlier.

Anchor: I'm confused again. My notes say you have only one Final Four appearance and that it was last year in a loss to UConn.

Calipari: Well, I have been to the Final Four a few times but those performances have always later been invalidated. So I guess I am like a ghost.

While we talk about academic fraud, how 'bout that Laurinburg Institute? We got two great program players from there, Joey Dorsey and Robert Dozier. Unfortunately, this place kind of "jumped the shark" and now we can't get any players out of there.

Anchor: Why can't you get players from there anymore? Is it because there are more schools looking at these players?

Calipari: No. They were accused of being a diploma mill and the NCAA later declared them "unfit as an institution." The NCAA will no longer accept any credits from Laurinburg.

Anchor: Well, Coach, it sounds like you have "jumped the shark" and "massive fraud" confused...

Calipari: Potayto, Potahto. Agree to disagree...

Anchor: Coach, will all of your success at the college level, do you every think about making another run at the pros?

Calipari: My closest tie to the pro game at this point are my players who are in the league and, of course, LeBron's best friend who I hired to be a Grad Assistant. I think having LeBron on campus, err, I mean, Brandon Weems, will be a boost to recruiting.

Anchor: I bet it will, Coach. Thanks for your time.